The Hottie Hunter

There's really only one thing I can think of on hump day. Its the same damn thing I think of everyday. Hotties. and Humping Hotties. We all know it goes hand in hand. So while the Hottie Hunter was in the jungles of Hottietopia, he was ambushed by a tribe of Lingerie Hotties. They took the Hottie Hunter to a Victoria's Secret Paradise, filled with Hotties in skimpy, sexy outfits. Needless to say, the Hottie Hunter had to escape, after bagging some Hotties for your viewing pleasure. Oh the things I go through to please my loyal readers. Enjoy -

Victoria's Secret - Watch a funny movie here

I love models.

If you love Tom Brady or the Patriots, stop reading now. Scroll down and wank yourself to my other posts. I've grown increasingly disgruntled over media and friends' adoration for Tom Brady. I've unloaded on his ass before. But it just doesn't seem to be enough. Yes, I'm well aware that Brady is America's sweetheart and could do no wrong. But if I refuse to put Hotties on pedestals, then how can I live with myself if I let that ass-clown parade around on top of the world? Man, I had to lock my girlfriend in a cage in a Chicago high rise after I heard Brady bagged Giselle Bundchen. I mean is no woman safe? Today, I'm presenting to you my top ten Hotties that Tom Brady could never and will never bang. The Hottie Hunter searched high and low for those that can resist Brady's intergalactic charm (don't think I didn't hear about your exploits on Uranus, Tom). After a fierce search, lots of alcohol, and a hazy night where I woke up on the side of Lake Shore Drive with a Brady jersey around my waist, I was finally able locate these impenetrable Hotties. Sorry Tom, these Hotties won't ever touch your exhalted one.

10. Gwen Stefani - Besides being obviously married and a milf, this new age Marilyn Monroe is smarter than the average blonde. I'm sure you know her from her days with No Doubt, but this Hottie parlayed her skills into a killer solo career. She then went on to start her own fashion lines, perfume, etc. I mean seriously Tom, this chick is out of your league. She's proven herself to be smarter than the model/actresses you've conquered and this Hottie Hunter is confident she'd slam a door in your sorry face.




8. Diane Lane - She's legendary for her whorish ways in Unfaithful. But I guarantee you won't be getting any unfaithful action ever. She's starred in dozens of movies alongside some big time actors. She's got way too much class for Tommy boy. Her dating resume includes Bon Jovi and fellow actor Josh Brolin. She's Hollywood, Tommy. You're Nottiewood.

7. Vida Guerra - Despite this latin rump shaking Hottie's attraction to dating wealthy men, she's not backing it up on you anytime soon. This chick, who gets by solely on her looks, digs the bad boys. And you, Tom Brady, are far from a bad boy. You're not even backstreet bad. Jeremy Shockey was seen with this bootiful beauty. Derek Jeter (Hottie monopolizing SOB) got with her. Even The Game says he dropped a finger in it. But not Tom Brady. Never.



5. Beyonce "Bootylicious" Knowles - I have a real dilemma with this pick. First I have to acknowledge that she's Jay-Z's girl (which I've hated for over a decade now). So yes Tom, you well never get anywhere with Beyonce. But not only because Jay-Z will drop your ass, but because she's way too smart and sophisticated for you. Her parents groomed this blazin hot broad to be a straight up businesswoman. She's got enough endorsements, deals, fashion lines, movies, records, etc. to eclipse anything you've ever done. Superbowl that.


4. Aishwarya Rai - This one was painful too because it conjured up memories of an ex that had an eerie resemblence to Ms. Rai. This chick is so hot, I had to get a commercial to show you. One picture was not enough. And guess what Tommy. You'll never lay a hand on this chick. This is Miss Univerise, Miss Bollywood, Miss Most Beautiful Woman in the World. She's got more fans in one town in India, then you do in all of America. And she likes bad boys too. Just not your day, is it?

3. Penelope Cruz - This one is taken. By me. As soon as I get the opportunity, I'm marrying her. So that means no Tom Brady. Period. But my cockblocking aside, Miss Vanilla Sky owned the latin movie scene, then went on to dominate Hollywood. She's currently dating Javier Bardem, a spanish actor. She's also been quoted as saying she'd like to adopt some kids someday. And we know you have a penchant for planting your seed with different women. But it ain't happening with a Hottie of Ms. Cruz's caliber. Therefore, Tommy, your All American self is out of luck.

2. Gabrielle Union - All around mega-babe, she originally intended to be a lawyer, and attended the University of Nebraska early on. Seriously Tom, look at her dating resume. Its all African American dudes. The closest she got to vanilla was Jason Kidd. Even the rumors of her hooking up with Derek Jeter weren't true. If that wasn't enough to shut you out of her circle, how about the fact that she's big on Women's issues? I don't think she'd care for your panty dropping ass. Stick to the Patriots. You won't be getting behind her o-line anytime soon.

1. SHAKIRA - That's right. Shakira. The absolute love of my life. My first ex-wife to be. If there's really any reason why you'll never have her, its because I would throw a freakin fit if you touched her. I would literally give up football and live in a drug induced fantasy world for the rest of my days. But I digress. This latin sizzler moves her body in ways which you could never keep up. No Tom, this one has rhythm, and requires a serious workout in bed. Oh, and another reason you can't touch her is because she's dating the son of the President of Argentina. Sorry, you're a nobody.


There's plenty more I can come up with. But these will have to do for now. Someone needs to bring this man down to earth. Seriously. Having Giselle wait outside the locker room for you isn't being humble man. That's throwing dirt in the faces of every blue collar Hottie Hunter.

In the world of Beer, there is but one absolute rule. Drink fast and hard! But a new era has dawned on mankind, and beer will never be the same. This picture, discovered after a year of being shuffled between corporate departments, displays a promising future for beer drinkers everywhere. The Hottie Hunter risked his very existence to snatch this concept vehicle from the cold, awkwardly smooth hands of the beer executives. Gone are the days that beer and women had to be consumed seperately, only to be later reunited in a plethora of sweat and pork during the wee hours of the morning. No more painful decisions of one more beer or one more stab at the pig in the corner? No men, now we have our beer and suck the teet too! Behold, the future for beer drinkers everywhere!!!

Gentleman,

Today's lesson is on how to respond to a Gold Diggin braud. See below for a great story on how one guy money slapped the dignity out this dumb trick. So she may be a hottie, but that's all she is gentleman, and not for long.

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST (NEW YORK)

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it.I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to matchthem - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercialinterests

PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER

Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill;that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple acrappy business deal.

Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my moneywill likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates!Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buyand hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease.

In case youthink I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy.

I find it hard to believethat if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.